14 Apr She Welcomed Death With Open Arms, But God Had A Different Plan For Her
On June 5, 2019, I made an important decision. A decision that I thought I had made many times before, but I hadn’t. In the past, I would hold on to the idea that maybe someday I would be able to use drugs or drink “sometimes,” without everything falling apart. But I was wrong.
I grew up surrounded by a large family, on both sides. My pawpaw passed away when I was very young and this is when my life would be forever changed.
As a young girl, I was molested by the man trying to step into my pawpaws place. I kept it a secret for as long as I could. But when it finally slipped out, it ripped the entire family apart. Most of my family blamed, shunned and turned their back on me completely.
I would feel utterly alone, walking on the railroad tracks, knowing a train could come by at any moment and hit me. Somehow that gave me solace.
I began acting out a lot. I was only 11 when I was sent to an alternative school for the first time. My parents would fight a lot. My brother was still very young when this began and I would hear him crying in the other room- although he probably doesn’t remember – I would get up and go in his room to try and soothe him.
I loved anything that would get me outside of myself. I experimented in almost every drug out there, trying to find a way to self medicate and mask the pain. I looked up to all the wrong people and tried to surround myself with other troubled kids/teens/families. I remember always doing everything to the utmost extreme. Almost every relationship I ever had was toxic and abusive, whether it was mentally, emotionally or physically. Subconsciously I guess I thought that’s what I deserved, and that became what was familiar to me.
I fell hard for a girl named Libby when I was 16. I felt like anything was possible when she was in my life. She gave me the courage to leave an abusive relationship that I was in at that time. This was probably the happiest time of my life. Sadly, this didn’t last long because Libby was killed in a car wreck in 2010. This tragedy rocked me to the core and I completely spiraled out of control. I no longer gave a fuck about anything.
I would get so messed up so quickly that it was an immediate blackout, and a number of bad things would take place during these times.
Somehow, I was able to graduate from high school. I honestly don’t know how that happened, other than maybe the help of the absurd amounts of adderall I would take every day.
I ended up getting kicked out of my house shortly after high school, for quitting yet another job. I proceeded to move in with a guy, Jonathan, who ended up becoming a long-term boyfriend and fiance.
He was the love of my life to this day. But the use of drugs and the love of that lifestyle were intoxicating, and I felt on top of the world when we began selling drugs. It seemed like a whirlwind, everything was happening so fast.
I remember undercovers outside of our apartment, but we couldn’t stop. We wouldn’t stop. We were using what we were selling and were strung out. We owed money to one dealer, and stole from another. I humiliated two of my friends in a terrible way, because I had thought they had stole from me. My life was spinning completely out of control. There were prices on both of our heads and needless to say, the paranoia was completely taking over.
On the morning of my 20th birthday I had an overwhelming premonition that something absolutely terrible was going to happen and in that moment, I pledged to myself that I was going to protect Jonathan by any means necessary.
On the night of January 20th 2014 (5 days after my birthday) three people came to our apartment to “rob” us. I’ll never truly know if this had anything to do with the hit out on us or not. The order of how things went down are still a blur and doesn’t all add up. But what I do know is that the driver was trying to keep me from going back into the apartment, that’s when I realized something was seriously wrong, and I ran to the door to try to get into the apartment.
I have pieced together that Jonathan was slamming the door on me while I was screaming and trying to get in, most likely to protect me. I have recently found out that I did manage to get in. And all I know from that point on is that I was shot in the back of the head right outside of my apartment and that Jonathan was right beside me when it happened.
I immediately dropped.
I slipped into a coma, and people were coming to say their goodbyes. The chances of me making it were slim to none and if I were to make it, the chances of being able to lead a normal life were even slimmer. When I did wake from the coma, I was completely paralyzed on the right side and both feet. I couldn’t see and everything looked like it was under water. With considerable amounts of speech, occupational, and physical therapy I slowly got better, despite what all of the professionals said. God was on my side, no doubt, and I happened to have an angel/saint for a mother, who stood by me through it all.
Despite so many blessings right there in my face, all I looked forward to was the medicine that was going through my veins. It didn’t take long to be using heavily again. Only this time it was even worse, as I became addicted to opiates and the needle.
I hated myself more than ever at this point. I hated god for not letting me die and I hated people who insisted that I was a miracle. Objectively, I could understand I must be one, but if being a miracle for everyone else was such torture on myself then I didn’t want any part of it. I felt a sense of responsibility I guess, and I ran away from that for years.
I started trying to get clean in 2016. I started going to meetings. When I first started I couldn’t grasp any of it. I thought it was like a cult and a joke that they thought I could be sober. Yet, I clung onto the words of some of the stories and had to talk to them after. Most of these past few years were just that, taking bits of what was needed and leaving the rest.
In February of 2018 a friend of mine died from this disease. He was like a brother to me and his death impacted me like no other. I ran the streets back home, inviting death with open arms. I was disgusted with myself and so tired of living. I cursed god for never letting me just die. Why couldn’t he have mercy on me and my family and just let me go…
When I finally came back to the rooms, I cried at least once through every meeting. I was so grateful to be back. It took quite a while but I ended up realizing that I wasn’t going to die that easily. So the question was, how long do I want to keep suffering? Because nothing was ever going to get any better doing what I was doing…
So I made a decision. I was going to really try this thing out and listen to the advice of the people that I respected. When I became fearful I was going to give it to god. I was going to pray and not for selfish reasons, but for others. I was going to help someone when I was in my own head too much. And I was going to work the steps, live by the principles and try to lead by example.
This is when things changed.
Since then, I feel I’ve received much more than I ever deserved, that’s for sure. I just recently got to go home for Christmas and make amends with my family, meet my little nephew, and help my Nana with anything she needed.
Those 5 days were the most beautiful experience I’ve ever had. Every day isn’t going to be perfect by any means, but you don’t have to ruin the days to get through it. Also, things that once seemed impossible to me, have started to seem possible and totally obtainable.
My life seemed like a dead-end road leading nowhere, but today anything seems possible with the help of my higher power. He orchestrates the events in my life, and I have seen miracles truly happen when I trust in him and the program.
I hope this helps someone.
Lauren’s Inspiring Message:
Sometimes when you feel like it’s the end, it’s actually the beginning of something great. And sometimes the only thing that stands in your way is you.
A 12 step program or something to help lead you to some type of spirituality, whatever that may look like for you. Finding a connection with your higher power.
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